Neil Gaiman
Alexander Pope
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
THIS WAS MADE YESTERDAY
first person, third person, who cares? this entry was not at all proof-read. i don't plan to read it again to check for grammatical errors cos its 10 already and i haven't even attempted to study.
no matter what we do, there are always things that are beyond us. the fate of a blossoming relationship, the cure for cancer, falling in and out of love, death, a friend or a family memeber moving to another place, jealousy, stupidity and all that crap... i was watching season 4 of scrubs on dvd (yeah sissy pissy pants, i finished 'em) there was this really incredible line there... "yes, change is scary but its also inevitable..."
inevitable... i love that word. expect more scrubs lines in this blog. its a brilliant show... its like, the best show you're not watching. i bet if you just took the time to even just watch an episode, you'd totally get hooked.
anyway... on to more important things...
so i'm feeling a bit guilty cos of the fact that i've been incredibly selfish the past few months. i've been cruel to almost every being that walked the face of the planet. i was mean, condescending and lets face it, i've been a huge snob. so much so that i've criticized everything starting from someone's exterior to every single fiber of their being. i've been aggravated by people (identities remain secret) so many times that i swear, i've said all the inhumane things that i could think of. i fought battles which honest to god were not worth fighting for. i've participated in things that are mind-numbingly idiotic. i feel like everything i'm doing and all i'm amounting to be is just another lost cause. how pathetic is that?
what's worse is that i keep on obsessing about myself while my sister's is battling it out in the land of free and the home of the braves. i can only imagine how hard it must be to be in a place thats like, so far from your family and friends. the weirdest thing happened though... my sister, the greatest person ever, bought a new sim card. she sent a text to mommy dearest. she told her about where she was staying and stuff... important yet boring things. amidst all the new and exciting things that she was experiencing, my sister still thought about me and my well-being.
she was worried about my prom. since i am generally stupid about those things, she's asking everyone to help me pick out shoes, arrange my hair & make-up thing, ensure that the prom gown is at least decent-looking and stuff. she contacted her kikay friends, my cousin (i think), my mother and the most unlikely of people who'd ever want to help me, my brotha from the same motha (+ his uber nice girlfriend).
aww... crap. i miss her. :( despite the fact that she did not even reply to one tag i made on her stupid little unupdated blog, i still love her. YES WORLD! I AM CAPABLE OF LOVING! :)
i feel guilty about not uploading her pictures when she asked me to(they will come sister, just be patient), going offline cos laguna beach was on, not fixing her layout, kicking all her stuff out of her room so we can do some room switching (her room's bigger than mine so i decided for both of us to swap), still not getting her dog tag from the paj, being mean to her snotty little friend, hanging up on her when she called (i totally didn't know that was her. i thought it was one of those stupid people who call and just put down the phone), not saying all the mushy pathetic little things you expected me to say when we were at the airport, sleeping in the car instead of talking to you and a lot of other things.
here's the clincher of the story little kiddies...
you never really know what you've got when its gone. when my sister was still here, i blew her off a lot. whenever she tried to pencil me in her busy little sched, i basically just flaked on her. i was never thankful about anything she's ever done for me. from helping me deceive my dad into thinking that i was sleeping at home when i was really at the ahs soph night to shipping me off to a far far away place named pagudpud when i was being psychologically and emotionally unstable to funding my little frap obsession to getting my dad to buy me new things to buying me an uber cool phone to convincing my dad to bring me place to teaching me a lot of cool new things to training me to stop being such a princess to teaching me the real meaning of being a friend to uhh... okay... i guess you kinda get the whole thing already... i'll stop it with the "to's"
FROM SISSY PISSY PANT'S BLOG:
5 am (manila time)
ok, i just came from my lola's house. i couldn't stay long. first, because i don't have that much time. second, because i couldn't forgive myself for the realizations that came to me from that visit. i've been bad and now i'm really sad... i promised myself that i would stay with my lola after my leave becomes effective because who knows when i'll be seeing her again after i fly but i got caught up with something else and this was the only time i saw her since her birthday. the people i've been with my last days know that there are only 2 people who, if they tell me not to leave, i won't. those 2 people would be my lola and my sister. ok, fine, maybe 3 and the 3rd person's name is withheld... but they didn't because they knew that this was what i wanted and i loved them more for that. as i was saying goodbye to her, the words that continue to echo in my mind even up to now were "don't forget me"... the second she said that i was like, how can i forget u when u are one of the very few people i live for... and then the thought of what i just did dawned on me. i was still in the philippines and yet when i worked in makati, how many times did i actually visit her? and to think her house was on the way whenever i bring a car. and when i knew i was leaving, i couldn't even find the time... even an hour... to spend with her... how can she not think that i'd forget her?
5:30 am (manila time)
no mushy farewells, no crying even. wow... my family must really think i'm coming back after a month. but that's good. i'm too tired and sleep to cry anyway. i'll probably cry my brains out in the airport when everything that is happening right now will sink in. but then again maybe they think it's a good riddance that i'm leaving... hmmm... as my dad's car drove away, the feeling of being all by myself is slowly creeping in
biggest regret:
i should've stopped her when i had the chance. i told you not to go. i did. i swear i did... maybe i was laughing when i said it but that still counts right? i bet you weren't listening to me again. miss you... wanna kiss you. haha! i guess everything worked out for the best somehow... right sissy pissy? i mean, you're happy there. when you're happy, i'm happy.
okay... maybe not... i miss you.
i'm supposed to be studying for my social exam right now but everything i read about just reminds me of you. like the time when you told me that you memorized your whole social book cos your teacher wanted to challenge you and she thought you were just some mediocre brained student... god... i can't imagine myself doing what you did. i can't even memorize basic information. you memorized the paragraph number, the page number and i bet you could even recite the book word per word. i may constantly tell you that i hate your stinking guts and that you're really arrogant but i swear, if i had even just half the brain capacity you have, i wouldn't need to study. i'd just kick it sissy pissy pants style. no studying required right? god, while my chem grade is going downhill, you were getting high grades and pleasing your teachers and crap? i couldn't even get all the answers on the test right.. let alone the stupid little bonus questions. why am i glorifying you all of a sudden? wow sissy pissy pants... i never thought this day would come.. :)) seriously... i have to study now.
ciao bella
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